The Pussy (Cat) Diary: Getting My Revenge

The Pussy (Cat) Diary: Getting My Revenge

As dictated by Sabine (the cat) and transcribed by Renee (the Mom) & Lulu (the kid) 

A Day in the Life Of Sabine

A cat’s life is never easy. Cats are really smart but physically,  the domestic breed is  pretty small.  Thus, some humans immediately label me as having “a complex.”  I dont’ know what it is and I don’t want to know.    I’m almost 20 years old.  That’s like 100 in human years.  It’s no wonder that I need therapy!  Check the most recent page from my diary:

Day #998

  • 6:55 a.m.: I am now awake and ready to eat!  But my keeper is not out of bed and waiting to feed me!  I need to remedy this and start to sing as loudly and as off tune as possible. (Little do they know that I have pooped at the bottom of the landing of the stairs!  “What your step!  Oops….that’s a rotten way to start your day!”  HeHeHe!)
  • 7:00 a.m.  Did I mention watch your step? Got her! Ha!
  • 7:02 a.m.: Oh! That smell! That horrible, fishy smell fills the air as she opens a small metal disc. My stomach churns.  If it wasn’t for my arthritic hips, I would jump on my keeper with my claws and show her who’s really boss!  Darn hips!
    • The Beast is stupid too: it dives into its by-product dish of food and devours it.  
    • After it’s finished, the Beast burps in my direction, regurgitates some of its food and then eats it again.  Primitive Creature!
  • 7:05 a.m. In retaliation, I throw up all of my food just to get back at my keeper.  That disgusting beast eats it too!   
  • 8:00 a.m.: The Keeper has put a leather rope around the Beast’s throat and taken it outside for what I assume is a chance to escape from this prison.  Strangely, it comes back and seems happier than ever. It must be the pills she puts in its food every morning.
  • 8:15 a.m.: The Keeper is going out.  She grabs a snack for the Beast and lures it downstairs using this sweet sing-songy voice saying “Come on sweet baby” repeatedly.  It climbs into its iron prison the humans refer to as “a crate.”  Stupid Beast!
  • 9:00 a.m.:  I venture downstairs to make sure the Beast isn’t dead.  I know that I would get blamed somehow if the dog “kicks it.”  It’s still alive.  It looks at me with pathetic, sad eyes as if asking me to let it out of “the crate.”  As if!
  • 9:02 a.m.: I decide to torment the Beast: my daily pleasure.  I slowly stroll back and forth in front of the cage. I like to comment about the joy of having the house to myself and how sad it is that the Beast has to spend the day in a small cage while I can wander freely through the entire house   YAWN…Every few minutes the Beast lunges at me.  But I just sit in front of the cage and smile.  I could unlock the cage, you know.  But why bother?  I love to see the Beast grovel and cry. It is just so pathetic. To mark my spot, I cough up a hairball.
  • 3:00 p.m.: I am awoken from a sound sleep by the echoes of shoes running through the house.  The small person must be home and I need to hide lest she see me and decide that she wants to pick me up. There aren’t a lot of places in this giant box so I choose directly under the dining table–less chance of the child reaching in and catching me.
  • 5:00 p.m.: It’s dinner time.  I have to endure another dose of this gruel!  In protest, I use the  litter box first in hopes of making the first level of the house smell as bad as it can.  What do I care?  I can’t smell a thing!
  • 5:15 p.m.:  I spot the small person and run.  Sadly, due to my age and arthritis, I am unable to outrun its chubby legs.  It grabs me by the tail and I scream in indignation and some pain.  I hear the Keeper tell the little person that “the cat’s tail is not for pulling.”  I hiss at the creature and remind myself that I will get even later tonight after “Mom” is sleeping.  I will sneak into the small person’s bed tonight and sit on its face. Nothing like a little cat hair in your mouth to make you choke!
  • 7:00 p.m.: It’s last call for the Beast. I sit by the door waiting for it to open so I can rush out.  I know that I have to be swift if I am going to escape.  Usually they notice me and kick me away from the door.  But not tonight! The “Keeper” opens the door and I slip out.  I am FREE! I run like my life depends on it and  hide under the porch so no one will be able to find me.
  • 8:00 p.m.: Where the hell are they?  The humans strolled around the yard for almost 3 minutes with their big lights looking for me and then gave up. Now their inside the house probably talking about me in past tense terms.    I am hungry and have no idea how to find my own food!  What’s an old feline to do?   A mouse runs by me.  Did I just hear it snicker?  I start to whine.
  • 8:15 p.m.: I crawl out from under the porch.   My feelings are extremely  hurt.   This is Senior Feline abuse!  Who the hell leaves their old house cat outside?  I find the door and scratch it.  Yes!  Long, thin scratches.  The paint instantly peals off of the door in sheets.  I have made my mark.  But no one comes to the door to let me in.
  • 9:00 p.m.: I am crying and scratching at the door.  Still, no one comes to let me in the house.  Are they going to let me die out here?
  • 11:00 p.m.: I have given up.  I decide that I will freeze to death.  Just as I have resigned myself that I am about to lose the remaining 8 of my lives, a light goes on.  The door opens and my keeper scoops me up in her arms.   I purr with relief that she has found me and brought me inside.
  • 11:01 p.m.: That’s enough love for her!   I look at her with pure hate, hiss and dig my front claws into the Keeper’s arm.  She screams. All is right with the world.  I climb up onto the leather couch, dig my claws into the soft hide.  I curl up and go to sleep.
Another successful day has come to an end.

The “Beast” the humans call “Maya.”

This blog post was inspired by the great “Mama Kat’s Losin It” workshop.  Please click on the link for other fantastic articles from fabulous writers including Mama Kat. 

The Demand

The Demand

My Favorite Two Demanders

Like most moms, it would be nice to use the bathroom or even take a shower once or twice without the risk of watchful eyes peering through the shower curtain.  I wish that I could exclude my husband from this obvious affront to my privacy but there are times when even he makes the list.   Additional members of the “can’t-give-Mom-5-minutes-to-herself” club is ancient cat and the emotionally-stunted German Shepherd. In the case of the animals, there seems to be an unspoken agreement of whoever gets in the bathroom first with Mom gets to stay and the other one is shut out.  (It’s a daily fight.)  You’d think after all of this time that I would get used to someone staring at me- I never have.

Every once in a while, however, I am able to steal away and read 3 or 4 pages of a good book. Of course, this happens only when my daughter is in school and my husband is working or traveling.  So even if I have finished much of the housework, I feel immense guilt when I sit down to read.  What should be an enjoyable 15 minutes turns into 15 minutes of guilt and anxiety.  I feel like I should be doing something else that is for the betterment of the house (like the laundry or rescuing an action figure from the whirlpool of the toilet) and not taking time for myself to relax.  Sound familiar?

 “Mommmmmm! I need you!”

A call in a high pitched child’s voice beckons from somewhere downstairs (in the dark recesses of the house.)  My mind whirls: Is she trapped under a large piece of furniture? Broken some priceless piece of art?  Just needs a hug?  What is it?  What can be so important that my name must be bellowed through out my otherwise tranquil home?  Regardless of the actual need, I have been issued a “demand:” my presence is not requested but demanded.  And there is no other choice but to oblige.  Otherwise the calling will get louder and more urgent.

Our 8 year-old daughter uses The Demand countless times throughout each day: In the morning when she can’t decide what to wear or is to lazy to select something, when she is eating breakfast and realizes that there is some last minute item that needs to be taken to school or at night when she decides that she is hungry right before “lights out.”  When he can’t find a particular item beneath the mounds of paper and technological parts that live on the floor of his side of our room, my husband will also make The Demand.  I try to remind my wonderful spouse that his mother does not live in our house.

Our animals, particularly the dog, is a master at The Demand.  Each morning between 5:30 and 6:00, she awakens and does everything in her power to get me up.  She cries, she moans, she jumps on me, licks me and shakes her neck and torso so her license tags make as much noise as possible.  If I don’t respond within the expected timeframe, she knows that I know that she will run downstairs and promptly soil my white dining room carpet.  So guess what?  I get up…and fast.  The cat?  She also has her own form of The Demand saved especially for me.  If she is not fed at a time convenient for her busy life (sleeping, licking herself, sleeping, using the litter box and then sleeping some more), Sabine with throw up on the white carpeting or worse cough up a nasty hairball to go with the regurgitated food on the rug.  According to my daughter and husband, neither of the animals will put on quite as grandiose a show for them as they do for me.

The Demand. I understand that it is bittersweet.  There will come a time when I will miss getting called from all parts of the house and the back yard and alerted that I am needed.  Perhaps that is why I am not as organized as I could be: maybe in my own way, I kind of like it.  It is great knowing that people are counting on me for help; even if it is just to find a sock or a glove or a missing part of a homework assignment.  On the other hand, it is the MOST ANNOYING PHRASE spoken in this house.  The very tone that comes with phrase is enough to get the hairs to stand up on the back of my arms!

There is no lesson to be learned from this post.  No item that I want to promote.  But as I sit in my quiet office listening to  a Bach Concerto, I have to admit it’s a bit too quite in the house today.  The dog has been fed and gone out.  The cat is, of course, sleeping and the rest of the family is out of the house.

Maybe there is a part of me waiting for The Demand so I have a reason to come running.

 

The post was inspired by another “The Demand” post by a wonderful writer and blogger, Kelli Nelson Malik .