Dada, dada, dada…They say it’s your birthday!

It’s time to be a grown up and admit, perhaps for the first time, my birthday is a really big deal to me.  Yes, I want the balloons, the well wishes, the flowers and a party thrown for me.  Do I want to tell anyone that this is what I want?  Heck No!  How can I be a professional Martyr if I tell people what I want?  Where is the fun in that? 

This year, my birthday fell on the day after Memorial Day and the weather, for lack of a better word, sucked.  We couldn’t sail the day before and I was starting to feel like I was coming down with a cold.  I tried to be a good sport about it, it’s just another day in the life, right?  But I wanted something good to come out of my special day.

Let’s add a bit more information to give this tale some depth: For almost a year, I have wanted to be the “Mystery Reader” for Kayla’s Kindergarten class.  But I have horrible work hours and I am lucky to get all of the MOM things that I have to do each day let alone leave my office early to read to her class. I finally manipulated my schedule for an afternoon, contacted the teacher and had my name is placed on the calendar.  I figured what better way to celebrate “my special day” but with a group of 5 and 6 year olds. WHO WAS I KIDDING?  ME, obviously.

Apparently there was a scheduling mistake and 2 mystery readers were scheduled for the same day.  Some kid’s grandmother  refused to give up her prime 2:00 p.m. spot so I (one of the mothers with limited availability, clearly) can read to the class.  And thus I accepted the much more painful and less respected role of 2nd reader of the day.  To make the experience just a little more painful, Kayla has chosen the most ridiculous book for me to read from her collection: Shake Them Halloween Bones.  (Remember, it is still May here in the frozen tundra not matter what the weatherman says.)  

And…Yes, the cold is now fully implanted in my chest and I have lost my voice. Not a little bit.  Not Demi Moore-sexy lost voice but smoker for 60 years lost voice. When I could make a sound, I sounded horrible.  And, did I mention that it was raining? Do now I am wet, sick and trying to swallow my pride because I am going to have to read this stupid (there is no other word for it) book to a bunch of 5 and 6 year olds (mostly boys) who have already sat through Walter the Farting Dog–to my dismay.  Let’s be honest, Shake them Halloween Bones (in May) ain’t got nothing on Walter the Farting Dog. 
But wait!  There is more!  The teacher who is ALWAYS there and maintains some order has elected to go to a funeral rather than stay for the Halloween book.  There is a college student subbing for the day and the kids are wild.  She cannot maintain order and there is sheer madness in the classroom prior to my entrance. This, I knew, was going to be REALLY bad.  And it was.
Fast forward to me sitting in one of those little kid chairs that make me  look like a giant pretzel-human thing.  Despite being almost on top of me, the kids can’t hear me because there is no voice to be heard, are screaming over me and asking challenging questions like: “Why does Little Red Riding Hood look like that?  Everyone knows that she is not black?” My response, at least in my head:  “Haven’t you heard of imagination people?  Come on!  You are 6!  Open your minds a bit!”
So kids are firing off questions and my precious child has decided that this would be an ideal time to climb on my lap, try her hand at reading the book and simultaneously put (her) hand down my shirt and to pull on my bra straps. (Remember, I couldn’t yell or threaten because (a) for some reason that I am still trying to figure out, I am trying to make a good impression in front of these little ankle biters and (b) I have no voice in which to yell or do anything else.   Let’s just say, it was not an ideal moment in my life.  BUT are you ready for the kicker?
THIS WAS HOW I DECIDED TO SPEND MY BIRTHDAY! Yes, idiot that I am, I thought that it would be FUN to read to Kayla’s class and celebrate my birthday with the ungrateful bunch!  Next time, please remind me that a facial, manicure and massage is a much better way to celebrate and less emotionally, physically and spiritually draining! 
I could have gone home and at least had a drink but I stopped drinking a few months ago.  I can’t drown my sorrows in cake or cookies because I have sworn off processed foods.  What’s a girl to do?
I sat down at the kitchen table and cried.  And a really good cry was absolutely what the Birthday Doctor ordered. 
I can honestly say that this is one birthday that I am really happy is over.  I think that I am going to find a random day in October and try this birthday thing again. And I will absolutely NEVER be a MYSTERY reader for a Kindergarden class again! 

  • http://cutiebootycakes.com Renee J. Ross

    Happy belated birthday! Sorry it wasn’t more fun.

    • Renee

      Thanks fellow Renee! It is the first time that I could not wait for my birthday to end. Isn’t that a hoot? I think that I have too high of expectations and then I get disappointed when they are not met. So, the next day, life went back to normal and all was well with the world.

      Thanks for your comments! And keeping helping the economy with your tea. I have forced myself to limit my consumption of the very famous Passionberry Tea from a that Coffee place that shall remain nameless but is a nirvana to once or twice a week. It was becoming quite an addiction and an expensive one too!

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    • Renee Keats

      Thanks for checking in! Lots of new stuff coming in the coming weeks. Stay tuned!